Attachment Styles Explained: A Path to Empowerment and Healthier Relationships

By: GGC Clinician, Sumiaya Caughey

If you have ever asked yourself questions like: “Why do I push people away when I want to be close?” or maybe: “Why do I feel anxious when they don’t text back?” These types of patterns are often signs of your attachment style at play. The way we connect with others is rooted in your earliest experiences, and understanding this can change everything about your relationships and the way we view ourselves.

Attachment theory, developed by psychiatrist John Bowlby, helps us understand how the relationships we had when we were children impact how we relate in relationships as adults. By understanding your tendencies around attachment, you can learn to have greater self-compassion and work through insecurities. This will forge a path towards developing a more securely attached way of connecting to individuals in your life and build healthier and more fulfilling relationships. 

What are attachment styles: 

A child’s earliest attachments are established by their primary caregivers. Caregivers vary in their sensitivity and responsiveness; therefore, not all children attach to caregivers in the same way. As a child grows up, childhood attachment style sets forth expectations about the relationships we have with others in adulthood. 

Attachment styles are broken down into two general categories- secure and insecure attachment. Insecure attachments are further specified as anxious, avoidant or disorganized dependent on the situation. While a secure attachment is the healthiest type of attachment in general, insecure attachments (anxious, disorganized or avoidant) can be worked on to improve or change over time. 

Additionally, it is important to know that there are a lot of reasons why some parents struggle to provide secure attachment for their child. Often, it’s not because these parents don’t love their children, but it is more about their own histories, mental health, and life circumstances.

Below is a description of each of the attachment styles and how it could translate to adulthood: 

• Secure Attachment: 
• Caregiver Role: Caregiver is present, consistent, non-reactive, confident about expressing love, and allows the child to be independent and feel safe in their environment.
• Childhood Experience: The child learns that the world is a safe and friendly place. They learn loved ones can be trusted to give you space, but also to provide you with nurturance and closeness.
• As an Adult: Displays resiliency, responds positively to intimacy, can be vulnerable, and able to create trusting and long-lasting relationships.

• Anxious Attachment: 
• Caregiver: Caregiver is inconsistently available emotionally and/or physically and not always responsive towards needs. Sometimes the caregiver is nurturing and other times neglectful. 
• Childhood Experience: The child is unsure their needs will be met, therefore they often become clingy and fear abandonment. They feel they lack control of their environment.
• As an Adult: Fears rejection and abandonment, needs a lot of reassurances, takes care of other needs but is then resentful, craves closeness but also associates it with abandonment. 

• Disorganized Attachment:
• Caregiver: Caregiver displays frightening (sometimes abusive) behaviors,  resulting in the child feeling confused, forcing them to rely on someone who they are afraid of at the same time.
• Childhood Experience: A disorganized attached child feels the world is chaotic, they lack self-worth and often feel unwanted. They are untrusting yet craving security. 
• As an Adult: Pulls into and out of relationships because they are scary, often has a negative self-image, behaviors can be unpredictable in relationships

• Avoidant Attachment:  
• Caregiver: Caregiver is unavailable, rejecting or neglecting. Often discourages emotional expression (ex. “be tough” or “stop crying”). 
• Childhood Experience: Avoids interactions with the caregiver, show no distress during separation. Caregiver has ignored attempts to be intimate, and the child internalizes the belief they cannot depend on any relationship and therefore become self-reliant and suppresses emotions.
• As an Adult: Wants close relationships but feels uncomfortable with closeness, hard time knowing their feelings, struggles to deal with conflict in relationships. 

Can Attachment Styles Change in a Lifetime?

Yes, your primary attachment style can change over your lifetime! The model of relationships that is formed in early childhood continues to be updated and revised as we have new experiences in life.

Some factors that can shift attachment styles include:

• New relationships
• Therapy and self-awareness (personal growth)
• Life experiences (ex. parenthood)

Why Knowing your Attachment Style Matters:
Understanding your attachment style can unlock valuable insights into your emotional needs, behavior patterns, and relational dynamics. Additionally knowing your attachment style can: 

• Increase Self-Awareness & Empowerment: Getting curious about your upbringing and relationship patterns is the first step to understanding. Journaling or therapy is a great way to start to explore. 

• Break Negative Cycles: Attachment patterns tend to repeat themselves, knowing your pattern can help you disrupt unhealthy patterns instead of acting on autopilot. 

• Increase self-compassion: the more we understand why we respond the way we do, the more likely we are able to have compassion towards ourselves. And self-compassion is a motivating factor towards positive change. 

• Lead to Healthier Relationships: Help you choose partners that align with secure traits and learn to rewire your emotional response with awareness and practice. 

How to Develop Secure a Secure Attachment Style in Adulthood:

Once you know your attachment style, here are some ways you can start to shift towards a secure attachment style as an adult: 

• Make Peace with Your Past: Many attachments issues stem from early childhood or early relationship experiences, therefore it is important to understand and come to terms with those wounds. 

• Build Emotional Regulation Skills: Learn to sit with discomfort (without pulling away or acting impulsively), find grounding skills that work for you (ex. mindfulness exercises or deep breathing). 

• Communicate Assertively and Set Healthy Boundaries: Healthy communication and boundaries build trust and security in relationships. 

• Build Relationships with Secure People: Seek out relationships where you feel safe, seen and respected. 

Final Thoughts: 

Understanding your attachment style is like unlocking a personal roadmap that helps you break old patterns, build healthier connections, and step into relationships with more clarity, confidence, and ability to connect. It is also important to remember that changing long standing patterns is hard, it will take time and you won’t do it perfectly. That is okay and to be expected! Be kind to yourself, give yourself grace and celebrate the small wins.