Why Self-Compassion Feels So Foreign (and Why It’s Worth Practicing Anyway)

By GGC Clinician, Jaclyn Moy

Have you ever remembered an upsetting experience, and suddenly you’re swept away in a cycle of negative thoughts or feelings? Maybe you’re going through something incredibly hard right now, and you can’t help but to berate yourself or get stuck in those feelings of pain. We have so little empathy or self-compassion to offer ourselves in those moments - but why is that?

What Makes Self-Compassion Hard?

Self-compassion feels so foreign because it starts with a step that is becoming increasingly harder to practice in our modern world - mindfulness. Rather than trying to deny or avoid moments of suffering, mindfulness asks us to recognize the pain without overidentifying with it. Acknowledging to ourselves that, “Yeah, this is a really hard moment.” Easy to say, and a lot harder to do! When faced with those tough moments -  stress over a relationship, family, work, or even just the state of the world - it can feel a LOT easier to just run from the pain. Escapism is so easy to access when all you have to do is open up your phone and start scrolling. But that path tries to shove down and ignore pain rather than acknowledging it, and it doesn’t work for long. 

Now, mindfulness doesn’t mean that you have to sit and be stuck in your suffering. Instead, it lets you take a step back to get perspective on pain without getting lost in it. Part of getting that perspective means that we can look at that pain without judging it. For many of us people pleasers and perfectionists, we’re all too quick to judge ourselves as soon as the opportunity arises! But the second crucial step of self-compassion is kindness. How can we be warm and supportive toward ourselves even in a moment of pain? We offer words of encouragement and support so easily for our friends! But we’re usually not nearly as good about doing this for ourselves. 

In fact, a great way to practice that skill of kindness is to try to think about yourself and respond the same way you would to someone you care about. To ask yourself, “what would I say to a friend who was going through this right now?” Chances are, it might be a lot kinder than what you would have said to yourself otherwise. For people who really struggle to practice kindness toward all the different parts of themselves, therapy can be a huge support to practice with a therapist who can help you build up those skills and start to recognize what that looks like in practice.

The third and final step to self-compassion is common humanity. In other words, recognizing that you’re not alone going through pain. A bad relationship, a fall out with a family member, a tragedy - these are universal human experiences. In other words - we all make mistakes, we all experience pain, and none of us are getting through the world completely unscathed. And yet, a lot of the time, we can feel incredibly alone in our challenges, and that sense of isolation makes the whole experience feel that much heavier. It can be so relieving to gently remind yourself that “I’m not the only person going through this.” There’s a kind of comfort in normalizing suffering as a shared experience because it cuts through feelings of isolation. The point is not to dismiss individual suffering as unimportant, but to find a sense of community and connection even in the midst of that pain. 

The Importance of Self-Compassion

What makes practicing self-compassion so important? Well, research shows us that higher self-compassion is correlated with reduced rates of depression, anxiety, and stress. Aside from just a reduction in negative feelings, self-compassion is also linked with greater happiness, satisfaction with life overall, hope, and a sense of connection to others. 

Self-compassion also has incredible implications for psychological wellbeing after trauma. As we go through our lives, we inevitably run into traumatic or painful experiences that can leave us feeling lost in feelings of self-loathing or shame. Self-compassion is the natural antidote to these feelings, and it’s a skill that you can begin building today on your own, and with a therapist who will help guide you and support you through the whole journey.

Recap

If you want to start practicing self-compassion and begin working toward greater health and happiness, remember these three components.

Mindfulness - Noticing feelings without overidentifying. 

“This is a moment of pain.”

Kindness - Offering yourself support without judgment. 

“What would I say to a friend who was going through this?”

Common Humanity - Focus on connection to a shared human experience.

“I’m not alone.”