How to Stop Abandoning Yourself While Trying to Keep the Peace

by GGC clinician: Cori Nelson

People pleasing might look like kindness - saying yes, staying quiet, smoothing things over, but it often comes at a painful cost: your peace.

If you’ve ever left a conversation replaying what you “should’ve said,” or agreed to something to avoid conflict, you’ve probably experienced self-abandonment. It’s that subtle, sinking feeling that you’ve left yourself behind to keep someone else comfortable.

Where It Starts

Self-abandonment rarely begins in adulthood. It usually grows from environments where love, approval, or safety felt conditional. Maybe you learned early on that keeping others calm kept you safe. Maybe your role was to make peace, not waves. Over time, your nervous system learned that discomfort = danger, and your brain wired itself for survival through appeasement.

People-pleasing becomes the way you secure belonging. But what once protected you now exhausts you because every time you silence yourself to keep the peace, your body feels the betrayal. You start to feel anxious, resentful, or numb. Your intuition gets quieter. And your identity starts to blur.

The Hidden Cost of Peacekeeping

Here’s the truth no one likes to admit: “peace” built on self-abandonment isn’t peace. It’s performance. You may keep the external calm, but inside you’re at war with yourself.

When you consistently prioritize others’ comfort over your own authenticity, you teach your nervous system that your needs don’t matter. Over time, that can manifest as chronic anxiety, people burnout, or even depression.

How to Start Choosing Yourself Again

• Pause before you please.

 Before automatically saying “yes,” check in with your body. Notice the tension in your chest or gut. Ask, Do I actually want to do this?

• Name what you need.

 Start small — even acknowledging to yourself, I need space, or I need rest begins to rewire your self-trust.

• Reparent the part that’s afraid.

 When guilt or fear shows up, remind yourself that saying “no” now doesn’t make you unsafe like it once did. You’re not that powerless kid anymore. You’re the adult who gets to protect them now.

• Let discomfort exist.

 Choosing yourself will feel wrong at first. That’s not a sign you’re doing harm; it’s a sign you’re breaking a pattern. Sit with the unease. Peace built from authenticity takes time.

• Redefine peace.

 True peace doesn’t come from keeping everyone else calm. It comes from knowing you can stay connected to yourself, even when others are uncomfortable.

3 Podcasts to Help Stop Self-Abandoning

 1.    The SelfWork Podcast – Dr. Margaret Rutherford

Thoughtful, therapist-led discussions about perfectionism, anxiety, and people-pleasing — practical tools for understanding where these habits come from and how to unlearn them.

 2.    We Can Do Hard Things – Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach & Amanda Doyle

Honest, emotional, and often funny - this podcast explores boundaries, burnout, and the messy beauty of choosing yourself even when it disappoints others.

3.  Therapy Chat – Laura Reagan, LCSW-C

Grounded in trauma-informed care, this podcast explores attachment wounds, self-compassion, and how early emotional neglect can lead to people-pleasing and self-abandonment with tools to heal.